Learning Unselfishness

When moving from a rich country to a poor country there is a certain amount of hardening of the heat that must occur. There is so much visible poverty that it is overwhelming at first. I just wanted to give everything I owned to people with less. But now that i have lived here for a while i have learned that things don't solve the poverty issue. Giving people my clothes and shoes, doesn't make their life any better. What they need is opportunity. After realizing this my heart began to harden. When i realized that giving material objects really didn't help anyone in a long term way, it was to painful to continue to take in that level of poverty. I think that anyone that is transported from a cozy existence to some place where there is great need, and stays in that place for very long, will begin to experience this. Learning exactly how selfish an individual needs to be to get by day by day. I have now been here for 1 year and 7 months.  I am working with kids who walk 5 miles to school without shoes, and clothes that are sometimes no more then rags. But what they really need is the opportunity of education. the hope that it brings. their parents hope for them to go farther then they went, to have a better life then them, and they will hope the same for their children. 

I am coming to a time here when my heart is beginning to open again. I have been reading, Blue like Jazz, and the author, Donald Miller, talks about what a struggle it is to think of other people. It is such a part of us to think of ourselves first, that is it almost like "swimming upstream" to think of others. I hadn't realized how true this is until i took a look at my prayer life. I can spend an hour praying about myself and my needs/wants. About all the things that effect me and touch my life, i ask God to bless, to be working through. But how often do i pray these same prayers for others? not often. There is such a fine line between selfishness and unselfishness. I have to be selfish to survive. I cannot look at all the street children, sniffing glue, and take them home with me. i wish i could, but i can't. I have to harden my heart to them. I must have my eyes open to those that God puts in my path to help. 

In my English class this week i tore out a section of the newspaper for every kid and had them read it and summarize it to the class. when time came for them to stand up and summarize it, it wasn't going so well. So when i got to one of my students who refused to stand up, i kind of lost it. I lectured them all on how important it is to know what is going on in your nation and also how they needed to learn to speak in front of others. After I finished a few of the kids said, "madam Susan, he can't read english." oh my gosh, i have never felt so bad! This boy is in 7th grade, and cannot read, write or speak any english. His last exam he got 170/500. But yet the teachers keep passing him up to the next class. I was kind of heart broken when i learned all of this. How can they do that? Ruth and i have decided to tutor him after school everyday. I really don't know how much it will help, i am beginning to suspect he has some learning problems, but we do what we can do, and pray that it makes some kind of difference. 

“Let us not underestimate how hard it is to be compassionate. Compassion is hard because it requires the inner disposition to go with others to place where they are weak, vulnerable, lonely, and broken. But this is not our spontaneous response to suffering. What we desire most is to do away with suffering by fleeing from it or finding a quick cure for it.”
- Henri Nouwen

Suzanne